collective memories

.collective memories.

I'm watching you sleep and I'm just wondering what are you possibly thinking of? This grave moment when we're all looking at you while tears run down our faces.

we're out of tissues and we haven't run out of tears.

could you be dreaming? talking to Him right now? showing off your beautiful deep voice to the angels? listening to the sounds of waves? or still be engrossed in your reading and writing like the way I see you when I hang out in your office?

Because your departure leaves us unsettled and keeps me longing for the time I will get to hug you again.

I couldn't remember the last time I asked you a question. I'd always be amazed how you'll drop a few simple lines and I'd understand it easily without you speaking too technical or grownup-ish. so why did I stop asking?was it because I became shy? grew up? became too distant, you worrying about serious matters like money and law, and me, living my own life?

I have been waiting for the moment when the two of us will spend time together. I just want to know if you ever got scared of dying? if you were ready to die before, when you used to be this guerilla... I want to tell you so many things like I am starting to play the piano again, I'm trying to learn spanish, and I just turned eighteen.

I feel sad because I called you up on your birthday, right before I left the house, just so that I could greet you. But you weren't there, you were hearing mass and I can't wait for you to return because I have to go to school. This makes me more upset because you didn't get my message and my parents forgot to greet you.

But I will always cherish those times I spent with you... when we'd wake up to watch the sunrise while buying the newspaper, when I'd watch you by the window while you're out in the garden watering Lola's plants and I can't go out because Lola wants me to take a nap, when I'd see your cheerful face greeting me early in the morning while offering peanut butter sandwiches, when you'd stay up late just to make sure everyone's home, when we'd order pizza whenever we visit you, when you'd share with us your corny-intellectual jokes and its okay with you if we don't laugh much about it, when you'd protect me against your dogs...I'm already old and I'm still afraid of them, and when we were at the hospital encouraging daddy in his therapy.

I'm sorry if I made a mess during the eulogy they asked me to speak of, I never thought I'd act like a crybaby in front of them but I guess I realized that you're off somewhere else, i really hope that its a nice one... i'll miss you Lolo