i need to die

i need to die

i stared at the night sky just before i left for work. it seemed so calming and soothing. and i wished my life was like that. no heartaches. no regrets. no pains. no frustrations. just pure bliss. but of course, i'd think you'd have to be dead in order to feel that way. i imagined what life would be like if i lived in a totally different place, in a totally different time. would that life be like what i have now? will i have the same joy and feel the same pain?

when the pain and the regret just gets to you, you'd most of the time want to heave out a sigh and just breakdown altogether. having had enough with everything. no amount of pain, anger, regret, and tears can erase what has happened. been said and done. he was there yesterday. in the midst of about 500 hundred people. he was there. i didn't have to look at him but i knew he was. i could feel his presence. and i could myself longing to see him, for his smile, and for his voice. but i could feel myself holding me back for fear of pain. i wonder if all of the things that we shared. my life's version with him in place. should i just forget all about it? should i already close that chapter of my life that doesn't want to end. should i close it with a very painful ending? and if so, how could it?

i've been mulling over it for months. in the corner of my room when most of the time i am alone, last drop of tears fall every time i remember.

that's the problem, I REMEMBER. i remember so distinctly and so well. every pain. every joy. every tear. every laughter. every single moment. every perfect moment. every hurting moment.

how long will i go on pretending that i have forgiven when i cannot even forget? whoever has forgiven without forgetting? or do you just forget the bad things and cherish the good? is that even possible?

THis feeling stinks. it's the most pathetic thing one can ever feel. I hate it because it just shows how still caught up you are with the whole situation. how one can even think of trying to fool herself...when in fact the whole thing still resides at the core of her soul. One can go living for days, months, and years in the shadow of pretension, hoping that it would just burn itself away.
i've been hoping for that...and well.. i have gotten as to so much as lighting the fire...i've done almost everything that i can to forget. everything.

other people. work. service. friends. tears. medicines. slash. suicide. everything.

it came to a point that forgetting meant losing the life that i have. somehow, no matter how i try to release everything that i have in me, removing every ounce, every cell of his memory in my system. it just seems that it doesn't ever end, as if he's bound to be a big part of me forever. and that stinks, because I know he has cut me off, so successfully.

i try to place back the tears that were triggered by remembering. i try to be as inhuman as possible not feeling anything, forgetting. close to being dead. and probably that's what i need. i need to die so that i can be born again, born into something new and different. born into something with a fresh start and live again.

whoever said forgetting and forgiving were possible never loved enough... coz you can always forgive but i don't think you'd ever ever forget

you need to die...to forget

...ang drama noh?! my sister made this. clap, clap, clap.